Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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