ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
