I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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