I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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