So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
