PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I want a musical about memes.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
