he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
