so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
