i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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