she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
