Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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