Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I will pee on everything he values.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize