If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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