You surviving the open bar?
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I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
