yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
