I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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