Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
