i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
