he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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