How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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