Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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