I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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