I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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