I CAN MOONWALK!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
