Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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