it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
