During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize