Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
