he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We're too hungover to prance.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
