Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
