my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
