Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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