ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize