he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
