$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
