WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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