watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
