Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
