If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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