9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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