Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
