I didn't shave. On purpose
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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