Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize