Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
