True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
