hell yes lets make some ravioli
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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