just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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