He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
