Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
