I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize