I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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