I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Randomize
