Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
