true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
