you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
