I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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