brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
