we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
