dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
