You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
