I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
