new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
