so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
