The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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